


And With A Breath, I Define Myself

by bbcsherlockian



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:27:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1955106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbcsherlockian/pseuds/bbcsherlockian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No words can begin to explain how my lungs are sometimes filled with soil and your smiles plant irreversible trees there when I'm sleeping, but some have got close.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And With A Breath, I Define Myself

Never before now - or rather, never before you - have I ever been so invaded.

_[in·vade (n-vd)_  
 _v. **in·vad·ed** , **in·vad·ing** , **in·vades**_  
 _v.tr._  
 _**1.** To enter by force in order to conquer or pillage._  
 _**2.** To encroach or intrude on; violate._  
 _**3.** To overrun as if by invading; infest._  
 _**4.** To enter and permeate, especially harmfully.]_

One by one, and it was so slow and so clever I didn’t notice the change until I had been truly conquered, but one by one thoughts of you encroached upon my mind, filtered into my blood. I am brimming over with everything that you are, everything John Watson.

I think, perhaps, if Before You this had overpowered me, beit someone or something else, I would have been repelled. I would not have succumbed. It would have destroyed me. But now-- I don’t know. Perhaps you and your smile and your lukewarm cups of overly-sugared tea have swayed me on this matter. So, recently when my thoughts have been of the blood spray caused by a .308 caliber bullet and one red and glistening thread inevitably traces back to the precise colour of your hair in filtered, evening sunlight-- well. I allow it to. It’s somehow okay that the tides of warmth

_[warmth (wôrmth)n._  
 _**1.** The state, sensation, or quality of producing or having a moderate degree of heat._  
 _**2.**_  
 _**a.** Friendliness, kindness, or affection: human warmth._  
 _**b.** Excitement or intensity, as of love or passion; ardor.]_

rippling across my skin distract me from the cases and the violent crime. All of that was so utterly relevant while I was learning how to be myself again, so I suppose that the slow exploration of your every willowy and pleasantly glowing corner is so much more important than the fleeting snatches of self-indulged success a graze on the cheek and a filled pair of handcuffs brings.

Look at yourself (because I don’t trust myself to anymore; my heart feels like it’s growing its own breathing and as it blossoms

_[blos·som (blsm)_  
 _n._  
 _**1.** A flower or cluster of flowers._  
 _**2.** The condition or time of flowering._  
 _**3.** A period or condition of maximum development._  
 _intr.v. **blos·somed** , **blos·som·ing** , **blos·soms**_  
 _**1.** To come into flower; bloom._  
 _**2.** To develop; flourish.]_

 

outwards I’m left with a feeling of hollow and bereft fullness, choking yet unsatisfying, but moreover I’m petrified that you can see the petals growing out of my chest, painted with the spidery writing of my veins. Because where would that leave us?). Look at yourself and notice everything I see in you which you closed your eyes to so tenderly, so long ago. See your colour and your vibrancy that I am aching to reach out and touch and discover because there is only so much one can learn buried

_[bur·y (br)_  
 _tr.v. **bur·ied** , **bur·y·ing** , **bur·ies**_  
 _**1.** To place in the ground: bury a bone._  
 _**2.**_  
 _**a.** To place (a corpse) in a grave, a tomb, or the sea; inter._  
 _**b.** To dispose of (a corpse) ritualistically by means other than interment or cremation._  
 _**3.** To conceal by or as if by covering over with earth; hide: buried the secret deep within himself._  
 _**4.** To occupy (oneself) with deep concentration._  
 _**5.** To put an end to; abandon.]_

 

in a cage with only themselves.

But you see, I would never liberate myself from the searing ropes I secured around my own frail hankerings because with you here, now, brilliant and brilliantly ignorant, unselfconscious of every accidental brush of our fingers when you pass me the television remote-- it’s so much better than you not being here at all. It would be much worse than destroying

_[de·stroy (d-stroi)_  
 _v. **de·stroyed** , **de·stroy·ing** , **de·stroys**_  
 _v.tr._  
 _**1.** To ruin completely; spoil._  
 _**2.** To tear down or break up; demolish._  
 _**3.** To do away with; put an end to._  
 _**4.** To kill: destroy a rabid dog._  
 _**5.** To subdue or defeat completely; crush._  
 _**6.** To render useless or ineffective.]_

 

myself; I would be destroying every rung of every ladder that you ever bothered to build to try to reach me, and no one - no one at all - has ever tried to climb so far before.

There are no words that can be attempted to label the feeling of dry grass pressed into the palms of your hands as you recline under the sun in August to the sound of someone else breathing and the noise of a cloudless sky. So, naturally, there are no words to express the electrical urge in my fingertips when your skin gets too close to my skin, no words to explain the sensation of falling in my head (where there are no dimensions) when you compliment me or my mind (we are, after all, definite separate entities; don’t define me by it) or when you carelessly toss phrases unto the wind like “best friend” or even when you make my name sound like something you wear with pride, like it’s dripping in honey and light.

So no, I could never label it. But words have got close. Words like ‘epiphany’

_[e•piph•a•ny (ɪˈpɪf ə ni)_  
 _n., pl. **-nies.**_  
 _**1.** an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity._  
 _**2.** a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into reality or the essential meaning of something, often initiated by some simple, commonplace occurrence.]_

or trembling and frail palpitations of syllables strung together under a sky with no moon or ‘privilege’

_[priv·i·lege (prv-lj, prvlj)_  
 _n._  
 _**1\. a.** A special advantage, immunity, permission, right, or benefit granted to or enjoyed by an individual.]_

or sometimes even words like the ebullient and irrepressible ‘exhilaration’

_[ex·hil·a·rate (g-zl-rt)tr.v. **ex·hil·a·rat·ed** , **ex·hil·a·rat·ing** , **ex·hil·a·rates**_  
 _**1.** To cause to feel happily refreshed and energetic; elate._  
 _**2.** To invigorate; stimulate]_

of your eyes.


End file.
